Transparency in the Eleventh Hour

I did not design this whole labor and childbirth process, but I really don’t think that early labor should be allowed to continue for days on end. Baby and I are in a holding pattern of contractions that are painful, timeable, and that then just stop. I’m starting to feel a tad delirious from the physical and emotional discomfort of the situation but through the fuzz of my memory, I believe I am on day five of this pattern. All of the days have started running together.

The problem with this prolonged pre/early/false? labor is that it provides far too much time for an intensely hormonal woman with a creative brain to sit and contemplate what is coming. I don’t have any real fears over giving birth. I’m sure I will look back on that statement and laugh and I am sure that many of you are already laughing and waiting for me to join in, but truth be told I would take any amount of physical pain for any duration of time in exchange for the peace of mind in knowing that I will be a mother worthy of my son.

Did I tell you how special he is?

Did I tell you that he deserves the moon?

Why was I so blessed to be entrusted with his life?

I say this honestly to you because I have received many comments and emails from readers who appreciate my transparency and at this time I feel honored to step transparent before you and reveal my heart.

I was sitting in the nursery yesterday, contemplating these issues, putting the final stitches on this pillow I made from fabric scraps.
Then suddenly, I looked out the window and saw the absolute most perfect rainbow, smack dab in the middle of the drizzly grey March sky.
And then like a whisper, through the storm of self-doubt came His gentle reminder that I will never be left to mother my baby alone, for He will ALWAYS be with me.

I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Genesis 9:13

My translation: I have set my rainbow in the clouds so that you can look up in times of questionable or stormy weather and see a physical tangible reminder of me and all the promises I have made to you-for hope and future, of never-ending love and faithfulness. For you are my child. As much as you love your son, I love you more. I knew in the creation of the world to design this thing called a rainbow and that one day I would hang it in the sky and you would see me and believe me and rest peacefully knowing that you can do all things through me.

And so we continue to wait. I do not know the day or hour of his birth, but He knows. It will be in His perfect time. Such comfort in that.

I cannot wait to introduce you all to my son and I greatly appreciate all of your prayers during this truly awe-inspiring time.

“Entrust your loved ones to Me; release them into my protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. . . When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them, My presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.”
(based on Genesis 22:19-12, Ephesians 3:20 and Exodus 3:12), Sarah Young, Jesus Calling


  1. None of us are truly worthy to be mothers…it is like the grace you can’t earn. We are chosen and entrusted by our Creator just as these little fellas are created…for His purpose and in His timing.
    The quote by Sarah Young especially touches my heart as my baby boy, about to turn 21, prepares to study overseas for a year. I am called again especially to trust.

  2. ooo erin, that does not sound fun 🙁 but i hope all goes well with everything. I have finished my auntie stephanie project and hope to start on yours soon 🙂 love you-i’m thinking of you daily. s

  3. Beautiful, Erin. You brought tears to my eyes. I will pray for you and your little one.
    I can’t wait to meet him. 🙂

  4. Don’t have any fears! All over the world for as long as it existed, this is the way we have brought life into it! You can do this…because before you, your mother did and your grandmother, and so on and so on. Keep all these strong, life-giving women in your heart during these days. You have their strength! Waiting is the hardest part!

  5. I just found your blog and am so glad I did. I gave birth to my first son 6 1/2 years ago and remember clearly sitting in the nursery, so anxious and scared about what was to come. I’m not going to lie to you, I was begging for Dr. Kevorkian during the birth, but when I held that beautiful little boy it was all so worth it! I would go through it a hundred more times to have him! Good luck to you! Can’t wait to hear all about it!

  6. Erin! I loved this post…absolutely love your heart…can’t wait until that baby of yours is born! (In God’s perfect timing!) 🙂

    I have Jesus Calling by Sarah Young…LOVE it!

    I’m telling you, we would be friends in real life if we knew each other beyond the blogging world!

    And, the pillow. perfect. absolutely perfect.

  7. Another beautiful post Erin. your transparent post. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through pain on and off for several days. I hope he makes his arrival soon!

    Your post brought tears to my eyes, it’s so true. Everyone will give you advice about how giving birth will be or what to expect but at the end of the day it is Him who will help, lead and protect you. That is the best part of all! 🙂

  8. Such a beautiful pillow!!!! You write so well. 🙂 I love your object lessons!

    Don’t fret…you’ll do just fine. And if you end up having a C-section (I did, two times, not by choice), don’t let anyone make you feel like less of a woman! It doesn’t matter how he gets here, just that he gets here safely. 🙂 🙂

  9. You poor thing! I cant imagine having early/ false labor. The real thing was plenty for me! Thankyouverymuch! Im not sure if you are planning on going natural or not, but the epidural is wonderful! Good luck, I hope that the real thing happens very soon! You will make an amazing mom!

  10. I’d also like to add, that whatever you go through… as soon as you look at that perfect little boy in your arms, its ALL worth it! I would do it again tomorrow for him.

  11. So very dear! This time of “not knowing” is really tough. I was comforted to think that I had never heard of a pregnant woman that went 11 months. I would eventually deliver. So glad you are experiencing His presence!

  12. How exciting for you and Mr. Marvelous…it is so close now. You will love every moment of it I am sure…its lovely knowing the end result is even lovelier.

  13. SO wonderful, SO sweet. You know right now that He loves you more than you love your son, but just wait until you experience it after he’s born. Then it will really hit you that is is utterly impossible for us to imagine the depth of His love for us. The love that I have for my husband and children is so all-encompassing, so deep, and it thrills me to no end to know for a fact that He loves me even more! Awesome! I am anxiously awaiting your new blessing!

  14. The whole early on/off labor thing happened with my first child. After 3 days of exhaustion and no sleep, real labor finally kicked in. I had hoped to avoid all drugs but given my lack of sleep, I needed the epidural to endure the next 12 hours of labor. So don’t worry if your labor doesn’t go as you had planned or expected. God is in charge.:) I know you’ll do great!

  15. Also, if you are still having this type of labor after 5 days. . . they should probably just bring you in and start an induction. That was the plan with me right before the real labor had started.

  16. Wow, your insights always give me goosebumps. Thanks for sharing those words today. I always think of that same thing when I see a rainbow in the sky. I saw one just last weekend when my niece was born… it’s like a visual symbol of God’s peace. I wish you the most beautiful and peace filled birthing experience! Can’t wait to see your little one. 🙂

  17. Just about every single time I come to your blog I end up in tears:) In a good way. I’m so sorry you’re going through all that pain for such a long period of time. I literally can’t imagine it, but you have such a wonderful and positive outlook on everything. I can’t wait to hear all about him after you have him. You’re going to be such a wonderful mother. I will be remembering you and your precious little boy in my prayers:)
    Also, that pillow is DARLING! Oh, I just love it!!

  18. It is amazing when signs show themselves. A few months ago Madeline had been trying so hard to roll over and just could not get from her back to front. I had a huge life decision to make and the night before I had to finalize it, she and I were together alone and I looked into her eyes and said, “God, please give me a sign that I am doing the right thing.” and then I begged Madeline to roll over. She did not. Would you know, in the morning when I went to get her out of her crib, she was on her tummy! I was so thankful and at peace with my decision 100%.
    I am so excited for you, love you guys and know that once he physically arrives you will not think twice about the aches and pains 🙂

  19. I am also hoping peace and comfort as these moments pass. Also, that sweet pillow is very adorable-what a lucky little boy your son is! Looking forward to the rest of your story.

  20. I am so looking forward to meeting your son. It isn’t fair that labor takes so long, it just isn’t. I hope that you have him soon. I love that God sent that rainbow just for you.

  21. You are doing great! You are lucky to be having all these contractions now because your body is working ahead of time. You won’t be like me and be 3 cm after 12 hours of labor! It’s work, but it is wonderful and what a prize at the end!

  22. I can’t believe how blessed thi little boy already is. May the Lord grant you strength and patience in these final days.

  23. Erin, I can say with all my heart that I think your honesty, courage, joy in life and thoughtfulness will make you a wonderful parent.

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