I carried you in my heart for many years before I carried you inside my body, and now, in my arms.
While you were in my heart, sweet boy, I talked to Jesus often. I prayed that he would send you down from heaven so that you could be my darling babe. And so that I could be your mommy. How I craved you with my whole heart.
The Lord chose to not send you right away. I believe the angels were having too much fun with you in heaven. They weren’t ready to give you up. I bet they cuddled you close and smelled your sweet warm skin and played with your fine hair. Did you rest in His holy arms? Were you there when my prayers reached His throne? How I wish you could talk while that memory is fresh and share heaven with me here and now.
While I waited and yearned for God to send you to daddy and me, God sent a different gift in the form of a lesson. The lesson of patience. And obedience. Mommy learned to wait on God and pray for His will, not my own. I wasn’t always a good student. Sometimes I would pray to God for His will and cry tears wishing for my own. I bought things for you-clothes and once a cloth diaper. Daddy wasn’t sure this was a good idea. “What if you never made your appearance?” He was afraid it would be even harder for mommy to have sweet baby things in the room that was waiting for you, here, in the New Old House.
Then one April morning, when it was cool and rainy and otherwise nondescript, God answered my prayer. For the second time in my life, I felt the presence of God speak inaudibly to me, telling me most clearly that I would give birth to a baby that coming March. Just like that, simple as His truth and complex as the holy spirit whispering to me as I stood in the bathroom on cold tile floor, ready to climb into the shower. Bare in more ways than one; unworthy me, present before a perfect Lord. There he revealed the gift of you. I stopped fretting and wondering when you would come. He told me. I believed. And therefore I knew.
Months past and summer came, hot and sunny. I waited on the Lord to fulfill His promise. I walked by faith, not by sight. I believed but I couldn’t quite see you. You were always just a step ahead of me. Still, I waited on the Lord for big things. I believed the Lord for you, my son.
The first weekend in July, daddy went out of town. When he came home, he brought me a birdhouse in the shape of a chapel. That same day, I brought home a pregnancy test. It was probably the 50th pregnancy test that I took, watching for the first indication that you had begun your journey to us. I took that test and I knew the answer before the two lines slowly appeared like a glimpse into the future. I knew the test had to be positive that month if you were in fact to be born in March, as God had promised. Sure enough, the message of the Lord was suddenly tangible before me. And I rejoiced.
I walked downstairs and met daddy in the living room and turned on our wedding song, Fields of Gold. I held daddy close and we danced. I was trembling. No moment can ever replace that moment for me, that feeling of being bathed in a warm light of God’s awesome blessing, when, toward the end of our song, I stood on my tippy toes and whispered in daddy’s ear:
“I am pregnant.”
I will never forget the look on daddy’s face, as he was lit from within with the promise of you. I remember I was wearing a green sundress and that daddy picked me up and kissed me and twirled me around the living room. I remember I felt beautiful. I remember I felt beautiful because of you. Oh how we celebrated the joy of the Lord that evening! We basked in the blessing of you. Mommy will never forget.
Several days later daddy put the birdhouse in the backyard. It sat empty all winter long, and you grew bigger and stronger inside me. Several days before you were born, I looked out the kitchen window and found that a family of birds had made their nest in our birdhouse. Soon now baby birds will be born. And now you too are here. I will carry you outside this spring and show you the nest and listen to the sweet chirps of new life. I will tell you about the Lord as I know Him this side of heaven. I will teach you how too see the little things and thereby recognize His voice. It is the least I can do for you, my tiny miracle, my living reminder of the one true living God. The finest example of the endless bounds of His love.
All my love my darling boy, on this your 13th day of life,
This is the most beautiful post I have ever read. Thank you.
Oh my goodness . . . I have chills. What a marvelous story, what a sweet gift, what a great God!
Erin, what a precious and beautiful letter that you have written to your son, it’ll be cherished forever. God is good and God is great, isn’t he? Happy 13th day of life to your little blessing.
Hugs to you and your family.
There is nothing so beautiful as new promises, new mothers and new babes. This is a beautiful, poignant, precious keepsake for you and your newborn son. Wynn is blessed because of you both already.
Oh, my heart is aching for another baby, and I have four! For me, I don’t think that longing will ever go away…enjoy these early days. They are tiring. They are the most blissful time. I can imagine that Wynn still smells like heaven! Glorious!
What a beautiful letter! I had tears in my eyes. God is so faithful and good; thanks for the reminder!!
thank you erin. praise the Lord for the gift He has given you with words to be able to share that. it was simply beautiful.
What a beautiful post….hope you don’t mind me pointing people to your blog…
That was so beautiful. 🙂
Thank you for sharing such a beautiful portion of your heart and for the reminder that God’s timing is perfect and always worth the wait…a message I greatly needed to hear today! Blessing to you and your sweet little one 🙂
Way to make the emotional pregnant girl sob at her computer! What a wonderful story, Erin 🙂
God is Great…Rejoyce in Him!
So beautiful. I love reading about your journey with Wynn. It is inspirational for me.
That was very beautiful.
Truly, one of the most beautiful letters I have ever read. I still have cold chills, as well as tears in my eyes. What a touching message that I am sure both you and your son will treasure forever.
I am crying tears of joy for you. This is a beautiful keepsake of your thoughts and feelings of faith, hope and love.
Erin, much like your precious son, you, too, are a rare and beautiful treasure. You’ve touched our hearts with this letter that recounts God’s sweet, sweet goodness and His loving faithfulness. As much as you are blessed to have Wynn, he is blessed to have you and Mr. M. Wishing you continued joy.
What a beautiful post and tribute to God’s love for us.
Goosebumps!!! That is so beautiful. What a gift that will be for Wynn when he is old enough to understand it. Thank you, as always for your lovely words of praise.
This must be the most beautiful post I have ever read. What sweet words your son will cherish. 🙂
Erin, i’m crying tears of joy for you and also tears of sadness for myself but then also tears of hope that God hasn’t forgotten about the desires of my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful and inspiring journey of patience, love, hope and trust in a Father that heard the cries of your heart.
You blessed me!
What a special way to remember that moment forever captured so eloquently.
Erin, that was seriously one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read (tears were even streaming down may face!). It was so amazing that I couldn’t help but send it to every mommy, soon to be mommy, and grandma that I know. You need to keep writing these letters and publish them in a book..I’m not kidding!
Beautiful and now my eyes are all blurry while I write this.God is so good.
God Bless you and your family, your letter is so beautiful. Jaci Palos Cleveland,s mom
oh erin….what a precious letter of love. one wynn will forever be thankful to know and treasure in HIS heart. congratulations again 🙂
There are very few things I read that bring me to tears, somehow your posts have a way of doing that to me. You are a gifted writer, I hope one day you’ll write a book!
What a precious letter to little Wynn, and such a beautiful experience. God always has a way of amazing me with his most perfect timing. I had a similar experience before I met my husband,I heard His voice telling me of my future and I was more than certain that my (now husband) was whom I was supposed to marry.
What a special way to tell your husband the great news that you were expecting. Enjoy the little birdie family this spring!
As tears of joy flow down my face… I must confess and say that I love your FAITH and TRUST in our HEAVENLY FATHER… you are so lovely with your words and I know you are going to be the BEST MOM EVER to your SWEET WYNN.
Smiles, blessings and hugs,
What a perfect little story for your little man to read when he is older. It’s a testimony of your faith in God and your love for your husband and son. Beautifully written.
How beautiful Erin, I loved this post. I remember writing letters to my newborn too, I look back on them now and get teary. Keep it up, they make precious keepsakes forever.
Just stopping over really quick before I have to go meet the insurance guy on our flooding… yuck!
First off, your home is beautiful. HGTV is my favorite channel. and I think it looks like my Mr. W is laying on some of the same blankets your Mr. W is laying on…
Second off, my Mr. W was 6 six weeks early, jaundice, and had to stay in billi lights for 7 days…
Thirdly, I can’t wait to come back and read more when I can sit down this afternoon! So happy to have found you!
You made me cry at work 🙂
That was absolutely beautiful. I am pregnant, after having tried for 10 years and so I can really understand the want of having a child. Congratulations!!
This was the sweetest thing I have ever read. Thank you so much for reminding us all that things happen in God’s time, not ours. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little girl in the next 2 weeks. Your story is so inspirational. Thank you for sharing!
Amazing post, but it reminds me not to read blogs at work because every so often I come across one that makes me cry.
What an absolutely beautiful story of love, patience and faith…the most beautiful and meaningful blog entry I’ve ever read. What a blessing to have that story written down for your Wynn to read someday and what an open kind heart you have to share it with your followers. Blessings to you and your family, I believe God has many great things ahead of you!
Oh Erin, that was so beautiful. I can feel your faith and love through your sweet words to your precious blessing. We too waited a very long time for God to bless us. After seven and a half years, God blessed us with our Gracelyn Faith this past September. By God’s grace and our faith we were blessed. This post inspires me to write Gracelyn a letter too. I know Wynn is going to enjoy reading your memories one day. He is so blessed to have you for his mommy.
How you inspire me…to be a better wife, mother, and child of God. I read your post with tears falling from my eyes; if God’s glory can shine through a computer screen, I felt it. It stirred in me the sensation of, “Oh, this it too much. I need to go get on my knees!” (And I did!)
Thank you for sharing your heart with me, a stranger who never knew how much she needed words these words of inspiration. I want to live life like you do, twirling in a beautiful dress, dancing with my husband in the living room, driving to a farm to search for my heart, consolation, and red barns along the way. Thank you for loving those in your life so well; through your love, you are an incredible teacher whose lessons give life to others. And the thing I love the most is that you do not try to be. You do not use the blog to “show off” your incredible writing and teaching skills, or your beautiful home or your precious family. It is pure and from your heart and spilling over with humility. I can truly see Jesus’ light in you, and it is a beautiful, warm, desparately needed gift. It’s like swimming in warm, fragrant oil.
With gratefulness and much respect,
Wow what a moving story. Enjoy your baby boy. They are wonderful. They do love their mommies. Keep him close to your heart. He will grow fast. I have kept a journal of all of the things he has done. I hope one day he will read it and be glad that I wrote all of the little mildstones down. I am so afraid I will not remember a cute storey, bruise, or funny word.
Enjoy that baby boy,
That is just the most precious writing. You are blessed, so blessed! Rejoice for life has been given and given abundantly! Amen to your sweet post.
You have always been an inspiration to me. This post is no exception. God was part of my finding your blog- He knew I needed you and your words. Thanks
What a beautiful tribute to your little boy!
Just found your blog and have been reading through it. Just became a follower. Beautiful letter to your Wynn!
God is good indeed.
Erin, this is such a beautiful post. Your story is a grand testament to the Lord. The faith and trust you showed truly inspires me. I often forget that God has a greater plan for me than I could ever imagine. Reading this letter to your son reminded me of that. I love how you knew all along that God had your child in his hands, just waiting for the perfect moment to send him to you. Your little boy is very lucky to have a mommy who longed for him so much and waited so patiently for his arrival. I wish you and your new family the best! ~Kiri
Beautiful! I cried as I read your post. As a mommy of two sweet answers to prayers, I feel your heart and thank God with you for our blessings. May God richly bless you on this wonderful path of motherhood.
~ melscoffeebreak.blogspot.com ~
This is sooooooo sweet, I totally have tears in my eyes reading this. Such a beautiful letter, may God bless you & your family!
I am actually reading your blog because Amanda (your photographer) is one of my best friends…but I had to comment on that! Wow! I love it! I am pregnant with my second little boy and feeling so grateful as well…while I have not had to learn those tough lessons, it is so neat to see the heart with which you came through such a challenge. I have many friends who struggle to get pregnant and I have to have them read this…it is so encouraging and so how God works! He definitely does amazing stuff like that if we choose to look and hear…and that was just a beautifully amazing message and note (i love writing notes to my boys…reminds me how much more often I should do it!) Anyhow, just wanted to tell you that and let you know that I so enjoyed it and all the prettiness on your blog! Thanks!
This is honestly the sweetest, most encouraging post I have read. How great is His love for us.
You’ve brought me to tears, melted my heart, and have given me hope. Though I’ve been waiting only 10 months as of yet, there is so much more than that to our story. We are so ready for God to bring us our baby. Patience is hard, and the unknown is unsettling. I’m so glad God led me to this sweet letter. I really needed to hear these words.
I found your blog through Centsationalgirl.com looking for home design sites. I stumbled on this post and here I am on my sofa choked up and teary-eyed. I have 3 beautiful sons and you’ve put into words how it feels to be a mother, and how precious it is to be THEIR mother. The post is so lovely (as is your home.)
p.s. I, too,have taken design inspiration in my home from Somethings Gotta Give. 🙂 Love that house.
I love when others so beautifully point us to God. Thank you.
I stumbled upon your blog this morning for the first time. I always go straight for the “about” tab. I love learning why people decide to have a blog. Why they have chosen to put their intimate details out in the open for all to see. I have to let you know that this is one of the sweetest, heart-felt pages I have ever come across. Your love for a mighty God that has you right where He wants you at all times is moving and inspiring. I admire your willingness to allow Him to guide your steps and not rely on your own plans. Thank you for putting your story out there for everyone to see. You have blessed my heart today and I am thankful for that.
love this. made me cry. beautiful.