If you look at a pregnancy test long enough, turn it toward the light and squint your eyes, you can almost see that second pink line . . . even if it isn’t there.
I am convinced there are two types of women in this world: (1) those who are nodding their heads in complete agreement, and (2) everyone else.
I asked God for a baby for Christmas. A baby the size of a grain of sand was my wish. But the test was definitive. I turned it toward the light. I squinted. I could almost see it . . . but almost wasn’t enough. In the place of a second pink line there was a space of white emptiness. Do you know that space?
I spent advent weeks considering that vast whiteness; reconsidering it’s emptiness. God whispered truth to my heart: I asked God for a baby for Christmas and the test said no, but God said yes.
Two years ago, he said yes. And everyday since, I have felt his will in my little one’s grasp: ”yes, beloved, yes.” Oh how I longed for my baby Wynn. How I long for him still. An hour apart is too long. And tonight I rock my toddler boy beside the Christmas tree. I drink in the smell of his still-baby skin. I nuzzle his sweet neck. And like the creak of the rocker on old wood floor, the benediction I hear again is “yes . . . ” (rock). . . yes . . .”(rock) . . . yes.”
I look up to twinkling lights of a cottage Christmas tree, to the place where a westward–leading star belongs. I rock and snuggle him. My heart in worship “yes . . .”(rock) . . . ” yes . . . .” (rock) . . . yes. . . ”
Two thousand years ago, so very long before I prayed for a Christmas baby, the Lord answered my prayer. So great is He. So faithful. He knew that I would need a baby.
And so He came himself.
I asked God for a baby for Christmas. Listen and hear how great our God is. If you are a captive, run to Him and be set free. Whatever you are waiting for, it has already come in Christ Jesus.
“Are you there, my Lord?” I breathe into my toddler boy’s neck. And I rock . . . “Oh come, oh come, Emmanuel . . . ”
“Yes . . .” (rock) . . .”yes. . .” (rock) . . . “yes . . . “
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A stunningly beautiful post…thank you with all my heart.
I am not one of those women who see the pink line…but I can certainly understand and appreciate longing for something with all your soul. Hang in there…it will happen for you again. My heart goes out to you.
I don’t know where to beging to thank you for this. I too am asking God for a baby. I can take the test Christmas Eve and have thought of 1 million ways to surprise my husband.
But for the past few months it’s only been that space you speak of.
Thank you for the reminder- God gave us the one perfect baby. No matter how many lines show up Christmas Eve, He has answered my prayers.
Such pure, honest Gospel saturated thinking. As we’ve waited for the Lord to give life, we’ve sat right where you are, remembering the promises and joy He’s given already in Himself. He’s so good. Thanks for the great reminder!
Love this post. Thank you for bloging all year. I have followed you from D&R days and watching you sell your old new home was so amazing to see you follow god. Then to see god give you the baby boy you so much deserve. Hope you get your wish in 2012. And if I ever find myself with child, I hope to buy your lovely bedding & to be able to show my child God like you do:)
God Bless.
Beautiful!! Love on your little one as much as you can because when #2, #3,etc. come along, as wonderful as they all are, it’s hard to get that special time with each one as much as you have it now!! So enjoy all those cuddles and I suggest a big chair so that you can cuddle more than one at a time.
As always, thank you for the reminder of God’s faithfulness and the reason for this Christmas season!
Gives me chills. I too have been reading your blog for a long time. I also prayed that God give me my sweet baby. I think it makes him more special that I know he is a gift from God. Merry Christmas!
What a lovely post, Erin. Wishing you and your family the most blessed of Christmases.
I pray that the Lord blesses you with the desires of your heart.
Beautiful.
Yes! Yes! Yes!! Perfect post. I spent 6 months looking for that second pink line for my first baby. God allowed me three more! I rock and snuggle and rock and snuggle and thank him every night for the 2 here, one on the way, and the one I will eventually meet. I’ve always said whoever said you shouldn’t rock your baby completely to sleep has never held their baby and rocked/nursed/sang/read/loved them to sleep. Merry Christmas, Erin. May God bless you in many ways!
Lovely, dearest. Simply lovely. And I’m off to rouse my sleeping children so I can nuzzle their necks and whisper the promise of Christmas in their ears.
Love,
Ginny
Beautiful Erin. He came himself. Love this! Have a Merry Christmas with your precious family!
erin, this post is so beautiful. you are such a beautiful person. i DO believe in time you will be blessed again. please, have a merry christmas and enjoy the your little one!
ashley over @
{hookedonhickory}
I read your blog regularly and I quite enjoy it. After reading this post tonight, I do want to remind you that some of us have been asking god for a first baby for so long, far too long. For some of us, it may never come. I know how much you love Wynn. It is obvious in your posts. Please hold him and hug him and treasure what you have.
Anonymous, Thank you for reading. My intention and heart in sharing this post, such a personal one for me, was to share that God reminds me every day of the blessing I have in my son and in HIS. No need to remind me, I know and hurt for those who are still praying for a child of their own and I will pray for you as well as all the others who so badly want to be mothers themselves.
erin, this is such a nice post. i love reading {always} how much you treasure wynn & how much you love the lord.
merry, merry christmas!
So beautifully said!
Unfortunately I know exactly what you are talking about with the pink line. I wish you and your family a merry christmas and hope all of your christmas wishes come true in the new year. Amelia
Hi Erin,
I wanted to email you, but couldn’t find an email address. Hope you don’t mind that I’m leaving this in your comments section. I was so inspired by your blog when I came across it the other day that I read it from beginning to end! Thank you. I’m so glad to have found you…so much so that I did a little feature on my blog (http://www.gillygrey.com/2011/12/i-found-new-blog.html). Just wanted to let you know
Many blessings to you and your family in the new year!
Rachel
xoxo
Only a barren woman or one with a strong mother’s heart can know such anticipation, such joy in fulfillment. Our God is so good. His love expressed in the form of the Christ-child. May praises ascend to His throne by all of His family in 2012!
Thank you Erin, I love your blog.
Joy
love your mother’s heart.
I couldn’t help but smile when you spoke about Wynn’s baby smelling skin…
I LOVE to curl up with my boys…but they are sooooo far from that baby smell. :} Anyway, I’ll take it…I’ll take whatever *smells* they give me as long as they keep snuggling with me.
Happy New Year, Erin!
Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous! I’m dying over here, Lady. You’ve really done it.
OK, wait. Wrong post. (doh!) Though this is quite lovely, too.
A very personal post and so well said. I remember being anxious about getting pregnant. Just know that when the time is right, God will bless you and until then you will learn a little more about patience
hugs, cathy
Beautifully written and so heartfelt. Thank you for sharing.
I just have to say that I happened on over here this morning after reading your comment, and I am already in love with your blog. You are a beautiful writer. This was so beautifully put. and I love your Wynnbaby store, too. ;} LOVE LOVE LOVE. Thank you so much for this reminder. Have a beautiful day!